Sunday, November 17, 2013

Telephone Sects - The Golden Parachute Continues!

Here are Week 43 @Twitstery tweets of The Golden Parachute, the amazing new sequel to Executive Severance!

When I interviewed Rachel Lehcar she had no bees in her Beeviary. They'd vanished mysteriously. She was bee-reft, left with just a "Viary".

A mom with no bees in her bonnet and a dearly undeparted dad. With parents like that I can appreciate Regi's demands for more trans-parency.

I call her name. No answer. Has something happened to her? A tiny bulb does little to dispel the vast darkness before me. I fear the worst.

Also, there's not much light in the hanger. If Regi took umbrage, or has taken off, or has been taken, my conjugations are all in vain.

I don't blame her for running. Stranded on a remote Caribbean island, we're hunted by foes who will stop at nothing to recover their prize.

Against impossible odds, our only hope is to deliver her father's body of evidence to the courts. Our situation is habeas corpus writ large.

My only legitimate connection to the illicit cadaver I harbor has vanished! What's become of Regi? Has she been harmed? Is she still alive?

From the rear of the hanger I hear a toilet flush. Regi appears in a doorway and walks into the light. "OK" she says "I'm all set to go."

"Regi! Thank God you're safe! I thought I lost you!!" I take her in my arms and hug her. "Arkaby, get a grip." "That's what I'm doing."

"Regi, there's something I want to ask you." "Yes?" "Can I borrow your phone?" "Huh?" "I don't have a signal. I need to call the States."

Regi hands me her phone. "I didn't know you were into phone sex." "I'm not. We can't fly your dad's body into an airport without clearance."

Regi disengages from my arms. "I see. Who are you calling?" "I'm trying Dr. Dot at Body Parts R Us. He may be able to pull some strings."

"At least someone is pulling something." An Interactive Voice Response system answers. "Welcome to Body Parts R Us. Press 1 if you…" "Wait!"

"Press 1 to wait. Press 2 to continue." I don't want to go through this again. "Press 3 if you don't want to go through this again." "Stop!"

Regi asks "Who are you talking to?" "The IVR at BPRU." "Press 1 to talk to Regna Granger. Press 2 to talk to me." "I am talking to Regi!"

There's a pause and the IVR says "OK. I'll connect you with Regna Granger. To continue in Spanish, press 1." This IVR has a mind of its own.

Another pause and then a new call appears on Regi's phone. It's from Body Part R Us! I put my own call on hold and anwer. "Hello?" "Hello?"

"Hello?" "Hello?" Regi says "Who are you talking to now?" "It appears I'm talking to myself routed through the Body Parts R Us switchboard."

"Let me try. Hello? Who is this?" "Hello? Who is this?" "This isn't funny." "This isn't funny." "The IVR is not working again." "I hope so."

I take Regi's phone. The IVR says "Press 1 for Dr. Dot. Press 2 for Dr. Dash." "Screw that! Get me Dot right now or else!" "Or else what?"

"I know a live South Dakota call center looking to steal business from automated devices." Regi says "You're arguing with an IVR system?"

(The Twitter Mystery continues daily at @Twitstery)

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