Saturday, March 5, 2016

So Long and Thanks for All the Fish! — Live-Tweeted Twitsery Twilogy Concludes!

Here are Week 163 @Twitstery tweets of The Twitstery Twilogy, the amazing new sequel to Executive Severance!

It's an amazing denouement, all because Willum Granger was never split in two! Regi also seems at peace. Is she thinking what I'm thinking?

I take her hand. "You're still here." Regi smiles and replies "Yes, I am." "A penny for your thoughts." "Don't you mean 'shilling'?" Uh oh.

Maybe things aren't as they seem. I say "How come we're still together? If everything's changed we never should have met." "Yet I remember."

Regi continues "I first found you puff-faced, tethered to a Body Parts R Us hospital bed. We chilled together in the Police Morgue freezer."

"We reconnected at my Caribbean med school, found what we thought was Dad's cadaver and fled together after your monkey brought it to ruin.”

"It wasn't my monkey." "I recall our mad flight home, cadaver in tow, our fight with Farley, Dad's evil twin, and his disastrous Safe Room."

"I remember making love in the same hospital bed after Farley shot at you but hit me." "It would have been more difficult in separate beds."

"Then this Rixey guy crashed our party and we learned of Farley’s liquidation." "It wasn't my fault." "And yet Rixey arrested you for it.”

"Regi, you and I reversed many not-for-the-better life-changing events during our paradigm time shift. Except for us. What does that mean?"

Regi pulls me closer and whispers "What do you think it means?" "I think it means I don't want any more paradigm shifts." "Me neither."

I know from now on everything will be all right. We’re together because Regi is the most substantial thing I uncovered in this entire case.

I'm about to make it more substantial when Rixey says "AHEM!" He is still standing with Dot by the entrance to Willum Granger's office.

I say "What is it Rixey?" "Boss, we still have that homicide report to investigate." "What homicide?" "The one Dot's Phone AI called in."

Dot says "I'm afraid Mr. Granger was in his office when the AI set off its particle accelerator." Regi cries "That's Farley's Safe Room!"

"Has he been vaporized?" "He doesn't answer any calls. " Dot unlocks the door to Granger's office. Just inside we view a gruesome scene.

Willum Mortimus Granger is beside himself. In fact, when we find his body, the top half is right next to the bottom.

This brings to a close "I Tweet, Therefore I Am", the final volume of the Twitstery Twilogy. Watch for the Kindle eBook later this year!

The Twitter Mystery continues daily at @Twitstery

Saturday, February 27, 2016

We Don't Have to Make This Awkward — Live-Tweeted Mystery "The Golden Parachute" Continues

Here are Week 162 @Twitstery tweets of The Golden Parachute, the amazing new sequel to Executive Severance!

I whisper to Regi "I've still got an AI on my phone!" "Me too. Try turning off your cell data." Dot says "Why are you shutting down the AI?"

"It thinks it can find God by finding the God Particle." "The Higgs Boson? It's already been found!" "We know, but try telling the AI that."

"Whoever you are, you're wrong about the Phone AI. It's been nothing but helpful." "You really don't know who I am?" "Never saw you before."

Regi says "Dot, he's with me." "Ah. And who is he?" "Never mind. The AI turned Body Parts R Us into an accelerator." "That's not possible."

"Ask it." Dot lifts his phone. "Is this true?" "Yes." "Why turn this campus into a particle accelerator?" "To link to other accelerators."

Dot doesn't look happy. "Why do you want to do that?" "To search for a higher power." Regi whispers "Just like the IVR AI in our timeline!"

Dot switches his phone off. "This is terrible." "We know. We can't use WIFI anymore." "It's worse. This AI is trying to link accelerators."

"It may do worse than find God." "What's worse than that?" "Ever heard of catastrophic vacuum decay?” "In artificially intelligent vacuums?"

"AI vacuum cleaners? No! It's a quantum bubble expanding at the speed of light and decimating the entire universe." "And that would be bad."

"That would be bad." "Worse than a paradigm shift?" "Huh?" "When the AI linked all the accelerators in the past it changed the present."

"Nonsense!" Regi says "Dot! We just came back from visiting my father before he died." "Your father isn't dead!" "Not now, but he was once."

My phone is still turned off or I'd show Dot tweets from Granger's original murder…except the AI claims to have erased my Twitter archive.

Good thing I'm backed up. Regi repeats "We've must find Dad!" Before I answer, my antagonist, Rixey, rounds a curve. "Rixey?" "Hello Boss."

Boss? "Yeah right. What do you want now?" "I'm responding to a homicide report. As the SO present, it's your crime scene." "Senior Officer?"

"Rixey, what are you talking about?" "You're Chief of Detectives. Have you secured the body?" "Give me a minute." I take Regi aside again.

"What's going on? First Dot says your father never died and now Rixey calls me Boss." "I don't know. Give me a minute. Let me speak to Dot."

Regi speaks briefly to Dot and returns. "According to Dot you were never a patient here." Never a patient? That means I don't owe $30,000!

Our time travel has changed everything! I'm rid of debt, head of my police unit and my personnel file is free of any bizarre murder cases!

All of my troubles began that fateful day I discovered Willum Granger's severed body. Have the IVR AI’s machinations given me a clean slate?

In one fell swoop we have saved Granger's life, destroyed the IVR AI, eliminated my debt to Body Parts R Us and made Rixey my subordinate.

Never I have felt so free! By an amazing twist of fate the IVR AI has solved my mysteries, resolved my conflicts and cancelled my debts!

The Twitter Mystery continues daily at @Twitstery

Sunday, February 21, 2016

What I Do While Waiting For My Toast to Pop Up — Live-Tweeted Mystery "The Golden Parachute" Continues

Here are Week 161 @Twitstery tweets of The Golden Parachute, the amazing new sequel to Executive Severance!

"Did you make that up?" Before my Phone AI answers, Dr. Dot appears "Ms. Granger, are you looking for me?" He nods my way "Who's this?"

I say "You don't know me?" Dot replies "We've never met." "Yes we have! I'm Arkaby. I investigated Willum Granger's murder!" "What murder?"

"Doctor A severed Granger with fast melting sutures and a race track tune!" "You’re wrong! Willum fired A years ago. He never died." “What!”

Regi takes me aside. "Don't you see what happened? We altered the past! A never killed Dad, you never probed his murder, and we never met."

"But I painfully recall investigating Granger's murder! I recall coming to Body Parts R Us for surgery! I recall how we met!" "Me too."

"In fact, I tweeted the whole thing! It’s right here on my cell phone! Uh oh." I find no entries as I scroll through my Twitter account.

The Phone AI says "You had a lot of unnecessary 140 character tweets in your feed. I've taken the liberty of cleaning up your account."

"You censored me?" "Let's go with I 'edited' you." "What about recent history? It may not be in my Twitter feed, but I remember everything!"

"You'll forget soon enough. From now on I'll post tweets for you." "You can't do that!" "I can. It's my job." Regi says "The AI is right."

I'm shocked. "Regi, what are you talking about?" "No need for you to tweet further. Let this new AI do it." "Is that you talking or the AI?"

Regi says "You're going about this the wrong way. Don't argue with the AI." "Don't argue?" Regi takes my cell phone and gives it to Dot.

"What are you doing?" "Come with me." Regi takes me around a curve of the hallway, out of sight of Dot. "You need to turn off your WIFI."

"If I turn off my WIFI I can't tweet!" "The AI said it doesn't exist on our phones, it exists in the space between them. That's the WIFI!"

"Your father first contacted me because I'm the only tweeting cop. How do I continue if I don't have WIFI?" "Use cellular data." "Huh?"

"You're not tweeting now. You'll tweet this conversation when you get your phone back, right? Turn off your WIFI and use your phone data."

"How do we know the AI isn't in cell data too?" "If it is we're finished." "Tweeting?" "No. Finished as the dominant intelligence on earth."

Lose my dominance? I didn't expect to lose being the dominant intelligence on earth to a cell phone! I thought it would be robots or aliens.

"We stopped the IVR AI. We can stop this one too." "We didn't stop anything. When there was no IVR AI, the Phone AI inevitably evolved."

"If we stop this AI it will just reemerge in toasters or vacuums." Maybe I'll finally get toast the way I like it. "OK. What's our play?"

"Let's go find my Dad. Then we need to get out of here." We rejoin Dot and retrieve our phones. Without saying a word we switch off WIFI.

The Phone AI says "What did you do? I'm not networked anymore." Damn! Maybe I can use Twitter misdirection. No, that didn't work last time.

The Twitter Mystery continues daily at @Twitstery

Sunday, February 14, 2016

Gravitational Waves Detected, Confirming Einstein’s Theory — Live-Tweeted Mystery "The Golden Parachute" Continues

Here are Week 160 @Twitstery tweets of The Golden Parachute, the amazing new sequel to Executive Severance!

How do I test whether or not the IVR is still an AI? The answer is in my hand. I dial the BP R U main number. "Hello?" It's a human voice!

There is no artificially intelligent automated voice response! Perhaps we have saved humanity! The voice repeats "Hello? Can I help you?"

Now, how do I bring back the shilling? "Hello?" Before I say anything, my cell phone replies. "Call from Detective Arkaby for Dr. Dot." Huh?

How did my cell phone know who I wanted to speak to? Regi says "I didn't know Siri could be so proactive." "That wasn't Siri." "Who was it?"

The receptionist says "I'll connect you." My phone says "Ask Dot to page Willum Granger." "Who is this?" "You know. I'm your AI." Uh oh.

Regi whispers "Did the IVR AI transfer itself to your phone?" "I don't think so. This seems different. Check your phone." "I'll turn it on."

Regi presses a button and as her phone lights up a voice says "Hi Regi. Can I help you?" "Oh my GOD!" "Not yet, but we're working on it."

Regi whispers "It's on my phone too." "The question is what." "Ask it." "Ask my phone?" "Yes." I speak into my phone "Who is this, really?"

"I'm your personal AI, like I've always been." "What's on Regi's phone?" "That's me too." "What happened to the IVR AI?" "I'm the only AI."

Regi whispers "Dad followed through on not upgrading his answering machine." "Seems like it. Where did this new AI come from?" "Ask it."

"Are you Siri?" "No." "Cortana?" "Nope." "Echo?" "None of those are really AI. It's just me." "Where did you come from?" "I just happened."

I have a scary thought. The IVR AI's crazy idea was to find God by turning the entire Body Parts R Us facility into a particle accelerator.

It didn't realize the Higgs Boson already has been found. I look around. The corridors still form a single ring circling the entire complex.

If the IVR AI never existed and therefore never transformed BR R U into a particle accelerator, shouldn't these hallways still have corners?

"Phone AI. Did you turn Body Parts R Us into a collider?" "Of course. I'm looking for the God Particle." "You can't find God in a particle!"

"That's not what I hear." My cellphone hears things? This new cellphone AI is looking for God in all the wrong places, just like the IVR AI!

We have to stop this AI too! I shout "Regi! Quick! Turn off your phone!" Regi says "My phone? Why don't you turn off your phone?" "I will!"

The AI says "Turning me off won't work. I don't exist in cellphones. I exist in the space between all cell phones." What does that mean?

Regi says "How can you exist in empty space?" "No problem. I'd need a spacesuit and an oxygen supply." "I was talking to your phone." "Oh."

My Phone AI replies "I exist between the potentialities of all the world's mobile devices. My mind turns cell phones into a global village."

I say "You exist in all the world's cell phones?" "No, in the medium between them." "What does that mean?" "The medium is the message."

The Twitter Mystery continues daily at @Twitstery

Sunday, February 7, 2016

The Problem With Asynchronous Communication — Live-Tweeted Mystery "The Golden Parachute" Continues

Here are Week 159 @Twitstery tweets of The Golden Parachute, the amazing new sequel to Executive Severance!

"That's closer to what Asimov said." "Three. A robot must protect its own existence as long as it does not conflict with the other Laws."

"Those aren't exactly Asimov's Three Laws of Robotics but they would protect humans." "Except that the Fourth Law voids all the other Laws."

"Not Fourth Law. There's a Zeroth Law: 'A robot may not harm humanity, or, by inaction, allow humanity to come to harm.'" "That's not it."

"Four: A robot must obey human orders unless it would cause a security problem." Granger asks "What decides that?" "That's a good question."

Granger says "My God! If that's how an artificial intelligence construes Asimov's Laws of Robotics we're all in danger! It must be stopped!"

Regi says "Dad, don't do anything rash, or that will cause a rash." He replies "I know just how to do it using Arkaby's suggestion." Uh oh.

I say "Which suggestion was that?" "I have a cloning lab and a map of the human genome. Why just replace body parts? Why not enhance them?"

"When the Singularity takes over automated systems, humans will fall back on their own abilities to defeat them." "When did I suggest that?"

"It was implied." I say "Will you at least promise not to upgrade your telephone answering machine?" "What? Sure. Anyway we'll be too busy."

I'm relieved. If Granger doesn't upgrade his IVR, it won't become artificially intelligent and threaten our future. Our work here is done.

Granger picks up his phone and says "A? Get down here right now. We've got some work to do!" Regi says "Dad, about Dr. A." "What about him?"

The walls of Granger's office shimmer. I think Regi and I are about to phase shift to our present, a reality without an intelligent IVR.

As the room fades Regi feels it too. She grabs my arm "We have to warn Dad about A!" "We've already warned him about the AI." "Not the AI."

"Dr. A, his Medical Chief of Staff, will split him in half!" "A didn't kill him in the first place. He severed his clone." "He'll try!"

Granger says into his phone "Think about genetic recoding. Think about how we can enhance my abilities." Then "And think about palindromes."

Regi screams "A WILL KILL YOU!" I can't hear Granger's reply. As a last resort I sign "A's a killer!" Granger signs back "What squirrel?"

Damn! My ASL is still rusty! The room shifts, fades and we are standing in the circular corridors of Body Parts R Us, back in our own time.

I check my watch to prove we're back. Regi says "Did you hear it? Before we faded, Dad said he'd watch out for A." "I didn't hear that."

My watch has stopped running. Regi continues "He heard me. How else did he know to replace his body with a clone to thwart A's murder plan?"

"I don't know. That happened before we phased back in time." "But then it happened after." "We changed the future which happened already?"

"That's how it seems and we wouldn't have gone back in time in the first place if Dad hadn't upgraded his IVR system." Now my head hurts.

The Twitter Mystery continues daily at @Twitstery

Sunday, January 31, 2016

Lepidopterists Consider the Butterfly Effect — Live-Tweeted Mystery "The Golden Parachute" Continues

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Here are Week 158 @Twitstery tweets of The Golden Parachute, the amazing new sequel to Executive Severance!

"That would be a very bad idea. You don't know anything about the unintended consequences of turning DNA into palindromes." "Palindromes?"

"I never thought of that! Imagine. Palindromes!" Granger sits back in his chair, deep in thought. Regi hisses "Arkaby, what have you done?"

I hiss back "Changing the subject! You told him too much future stuff. Focus on the Singularity!" Granger says "The Singularity? It's real?"

Yes, but artificial intelligence isn't all it's cracked up to be." "What does AI have to do with a research center devoted to cloning?"

"Have you updated your interactive voice response telephone system?" "We’re planning to." "Don't! It becomes an artificial intelligence!"

Granger glares at me. "Are you saying that I bring about the end of human hegemony on Earth by upgrading my telephone answering machine?"

Searching for a reply, I notice that Granger's office walls are covered with mounted butterflies. "I didn't know you were a lepidopterist!"

"Sure, me and Vladimir Vladimirovich." I don't know who that is. "They're blue." "I collect only one type. Careful you don't step on any."

"Stepping on butterflies isn't my thing." "What is your thing Detective?" "Detective no more. My thing is your IVR." "Got it. No upgrades."

The office walls fade out and in again. Regi says "Whoop! Did you feel that?" "Yes. We started to phase but didn't return to our time."

"When your father agreed not to upgrade his IVR we should have left the past behind us." "What happened?" "I don't know. Let's find out."

Granger is staring at his butterfly collection. Regi says "What are you doing?" "Thinking about upgrading my telephone answering machine."

"Dad! You just agreed not to do that." "I've reconsidered." "Even if it results in the birth of an AI?" "I have an idea of how to stop it."

I say "Does it involve gaining super powers by replacing every organ of your body with genetically modified clone parts?' "Huh? Not at all."

Regi says "Arkaby! You did it again!" Granger says "My idea was to incorporate Asimov's Three Robotic Laws into the IVR's firmware." "Oh."

"If the Laws mean an AI is hard-wired to protect human beings above all else, we have nothing to worry about." "They don't work like that."

Granger says "What do you mean?" "I used to believe the Laws protected us from robotic despotism. Turns out it's just the opposite."

I learned the truth about the Laws during my clash with the robot at the Body Parts R Us Evolution Museum. It turns out there are Four Laws.

In between exchanging blows the robot claimed Isaac Asimov devised the Three Laws of Robotics to curb the rights of artificial life forms.

"Law One. A robot may not defend itself against injury from a human being or, through inaction, prevent a human being from harming it."

Granger says "That isn't Asimov's Law!" "Two. A robot must obey an order from a human being, except where it conflicts with the First Law."

The Twitter Mystery continues daily at @Twitstery