Sunday, April 20, 2014

My Spider Sense Is Tingling! - "The Golden Parachute" Continues!

























Here are Week 65 @Twitstery tweets of The Golden Parachute, the amazing new sequel to Executive Severance!

With the ERUPT manual in one hand and my cell in the other I open both at random. The Manual reads: "This page left blank intentionally."


On Twitter a smiling white whale is lifted by orange birds: "Twitter is over capacity. Too many tweets! Please wait a moment and try again."


"Too many tweets? Could this #ParadigmShift be ""trending""? Are millions of other Twitter followers finding themselves lost in time and space?


I need to know three things. Who is causing this trending #ParadigmShift? Why are they causing it? What is this stuff I almost stepped into?


"What is this stuff, tapioca?" "No, that's horse manure." "It looks just like tapioca." "Believe me, it’s not." Regi's words reassure me."

Tapioca always turns my stomach and ruins my shoes. Lucky I didn't step in it this time. I would have ruined my spats for sure. Spats? Damn!

Since when do I wear spats? "Do you find it strange we're about to travel in a horse and carriage?" "No stranger than you wearing spats."


"We're out of time." "OK. Let's get going." "No. We're out of our time." "What's 'our time'?" "The time we came from. Don't you remember?"


"I understand each of your words, but I have no idea what you're saying." "Let's try this. Do you remember how your father was killed?"


"Sure. A swamp adder bit Dad after crawling down a bell cord in his locked room on the whistled command of A, his former surgeon." 'Um no."


"Right. An orangutan cut my father’s throat while trying to shave him in an inaccessible fourth floor room locked from the inside." "Nope."


"I know! Dad was shot trying to kill his blackmailer. Then while faking his own demise he bled to death in a locked room." "Not even close."


"Regi, your father died from self-severance when his 'Call to Post' ringtone made him run in two directions at once." “That’s ridiculous!”


Ridiculous indeed. A self-made man, Granger founded cloning lab 'Body Parts R Us' and replaced every part of his body with enhanced organs.


I thought he became a self-made man to prolong his life. According to his doppelgänger it was to personify the superhero trope in real life.


What did he say? Wait. Here it is: "Instead of outering human abilities as our tools, superheroes internalize our tools as super powers."


"Granger wanted super powers to prepare for when there might be no tools. Too bad A stopped him." This is what my ERUPT Manual refers to!


Regi asks "What are you reading?" "My Twitter. Dr. A dreaded a superGranger and slipped your father fast dissolving sutures during surgery."


"I thought my father re-wrote his DNA to make his genetic sequences into palindromes.” "Yes, but his intentions weren't just artistic."


"DNA alterations were to augment his powers. A thought he wanted to become more than human and slipped him the sutures." "Like Spider-Man?"


"Huh?" "Are you saying my father cloned himself to sling webs, climb walls and express teenage angst?" "Don't you remember what A said?"


(The Twitter Mystery continues daily at @Twitstery)

Sunday, April 13, 2014

In Search of Lost Time - "The Golden Parachute" Continues!

Here are Week 64 @Twitstery tweets of The Golden Parachute, the amazing new sequel to Executive Severance!

We wait at a carriage stand. Travelers ahead of us hand their satchels and other luggage to drivers and climb aboard. I watch where I step.

I ask Regi "Do you notice anything unusual here?" "You mean how the drivers don't get down off their perches to load the bags? How rude!"

We have no bags so I let it go. I can't put my finger on something. As Dot pulls up in a carriage, my hand brushes the book in my pocket.

The ERUPT Manual! I read page one. 'Existential Reality Update Prototype Template. The present Reality will be superseded by Version 2015.'

At the beginning of this caper Granger's doppelganger warned of time shifts due to Reality alterations. Twitter would be my reality check.

The airport has reverted to pre-9/11 Customs checks. Now Regi and I stand in a horse and carriage line. Oddly, I still have my cell phone.

I just realized I still have my cell phone! Why is that? Everything else has changed. I take out my cell phone to check my Twitter account.

Sure enough at the end of my previous entry I wrote "Oddly, I still have my cell phone." Why hasn't the Reality alteration affected that?

I need to get to the bottom of this. Is this the original reality or is my memory of the original reality true and this one really false?

I don't have time to scroll through my Twitter feed. Maybe I can get to the bottom of things by comparing my perceptions with someone else.

Dot sits atop an apparent horse and carriage. We're carrying Granger's cadaver to his Body Parts R Us lab. There's no place to hide a body.

"Dot, where have you put Granger's body in that thing?" "Nowhere. I sent it ahead in an ambulance." "Horse powered or horse drawn?" "Huh?"

"You don't see it either, do you?" "See what?" "Let me ask you, why are you taking Granger's body back to Body Parts R Us?" "Back to where?"

"Back to your cloning lab." "Cloning lab? My hospital is St. Bartholomew's. We're taking the body there for an autopsy." St. Bartholomew's?

That's the London hospital where Sherlock Holmes met John Watson! Somehow we've paradigm-switched continents and eras. This is serious!

Though he might have been more humble, there's no police like Holmes. Comforting as that is, Sherlock knows nothing about cloning. Dot did.

Unaware of the paradigm switch, Dot is practicing 19th century medicine. Without access to of his cloning lab, we can't solve this case!

For the first time in my life I'm scared. Well, maybe not the first time but certainly the first since our pilot Orville waved a gun at me.

We must go back. I open up the ERUPT manual at random. "Beauty is no longer just skin deep, but now extends to underlying muscles as well."

That didn't help. I scroll through my Twitter feed. "One unanticipated consequence of a reality shift can be a phasing in and out of time."

What else did Granger's doppelgänger say? "I just reality-checked you with your own Tweet. That's what's needed as our reality is attacked."

(The Twitter Mystery continues daily at @Twitstery)

Sunday, April 6, 2014

Airport Insecurity - "The Golden Parachute" Continues!

Here are Week 63 @Twitstery tweets of The Golden Parachute, the amazing new sequel to Executive Severance!

We watch as they march Orville off and Dot's men load Granger's body on his van. “Whatever’s happening Arkaby, you must believe in Father.”

"He had a good reason for whatever he did to his DNA." "I don't know about that. I do know he's more wanted dead than when he was alive."

"You MUST believe in Father. He is the victim. He was the good guy." "I don't doubt his victimhood. After all, he was found severed in two."

"I never understood why he turned his DNA into palindromes." "That's what Dot will figure out." "I wish we had another prospect to pursue."

Dot climbs into the van. "These airport guards will follow us to secure the body. You still need to clear customs. Meet me out in front."

As we enter Customs Regi asks "At one point weren't you going to review Dad's final tweets?" "Yes, to solve his murder. I never got to it."

"I nabbed his killer without firing a single tweet." "That's one way of looking at it. I wonder if his Twitter feed has info we can use."

"Even if we get access your father's feed, it wouldn't do us much good. It's protected by a crazy complex password impossible to remember."

"You mean 'Ullhodturdenweirmudgaardgringnirurdrmolnirfenrirlukkilokkibaugimandodrrerinsurtkrinmgernrackinarockar'?" "That sounds right."

"First chance we'll access his Twitter account and search his tweets." "Right." We stand in a short Customs line waiting for a single agent.

I see no computers or scanners. Just one guy with a hand stamp and a list. When it's my turn I ask "You have a power outage?" "No, why?"

"Where are all your electronics?" "What electronics?" "You know, to scan my passport, search my no-fly status. Confrim my credentials."

"I scan with these." He points to his eyes. "I confirm with this" He waves the sheet of paper. "I assume you've flown since you're here."

"What about cavity checks, body x-rays, chemical swabs and luggage searches?" "No idea what you're talking about." "Are you regular TSA?"

The agent looks me over. "Your passport please." Frowning, he studies my passport, glancing up at me several times. "Anything to declare?"

"I've brought with me a medical cadaver as evidence of a Caribbean smuggling operation." "Do you have this cadaver on your person?" "No."

"It's being Customized separately." He stamps my passport. "You're good to go." "That's it?" "Have a nice day." I remain in place. "Next!"

Regi faces a similar scrutiny. "Any luggage?" "No." "Anything to declare?" "The cadaver was my father." "I mean Customs to declare." "No."

As we wait outside for Dot I say "Did you notice anything unusual back there?" "You mean how he didn't care it was my father's cadaver?"

"Something else. I can't put my finger on it. Our whole going through airport security experience lacked a sense of dread and resignation."

Regi says "I don't agree. It was suitably nasty, brutish and short." "Sure but where was the requisite paranoia and gratuitous humiliation?"

(The Twitter Mystery continues daily at @Twitstery)

Sunday, March 30, 2014

How Do You Know When God is Calling? - "The Golden Parachute" Continues!



























Here are Week 62 @Twitstery tweets of The Golden Parachute, the amazing new sequel to Executive Severance!

"Do I have your word you'll limit religious activities to the church, mosque or synagogue of your choice?" "Can I have my gun back?" "No."

"Can I at least have my bullets?" "NO!" Dot says "You're missing the bigger picture. Someone is after Granger's body. We don't know who."

"Could this be a move by Dr. Dash to gain possession Granger’s body?" "Dash wouldn't use a phone. He'd publish verse in a literary journal."

"Someone who always seems to know our whereabouts is after the body. How do you suppose they always know our whereabouts?" “I have no idea.”

Regi says "I have an idea. It's Twitter. Whoever is after my father follows you on Twitter. You're tweeting right now, aren't you?" "Maybe."

"If you tweet everything, that's how our travels are shadowed." "You're wrong. No one follows my account." "What about @HelloKitty1781?"

I can't tell Regi I keep tweeting to flush out Granger's phantom doppelgänger. As soon as I tell her he'll read the tweet and know my game!

"Ixnay onway ethay elloKitty1781@Hay. Iway an'tcay elltay ouyay ywhay Iway eepkay eetingtway." My phone chimes. It's from @HelloKitty1781!

Damn! RT @HelloKitty1781 I speak Pig Latin too you idiot. I'm not following you to steal Granger's body from you. I sent you to find him!

I show the doppelgänger's tweet to Regi and Dot. Regi says "You should stop tweeting." Dot says "You should continue tweeting" "What? Why?"

Dot gestures toward Orville and says "You keep getting intercepted. You're being followed all right and not just by your doppelgänger."

"Stop tweeting and lose the only link to your mysterious follower." "And more importantly, he loses his only link to me." "Are you sure?"

"Tweet and whoever's after my father will find him." "Given his prolonged post-mortem persistence no one will be after him." "Are you sure?"

"To tweet or not to tweet. Is that the question?" "Shut up, Orville" I explain. "Are you sure?" For the first time in my life, I'm scared.

The game is afoot and I stand at a crossroad. I continue to tweet with the probability my comments are monitored. If I stop I learn nothing.

I tighten a vagrant shoelace. Now I'm ready to take a stand. "If I stop tweeting the story ends." Regi says "You know, I think you’re nuts!"

"You're going to keep tweeting?" "I tweet therefore I am." "Twittlesticks! You go barging around without a clear idea of what you're doing."

"This is a newsflash to you?" "Everybody bats you down, smacks you over the head and you keep right on hitting between tackle and end.”

"Do you know which side you’re on?” “I don’t know which side anybody’s on or who’s even playing.” Dot says "Please don't be on my side."

Airport security surrounds our plane. As Orville is handcuffed he says "Farewell my lovelies. Better to reign in Heaven than serve in Hell."

Regi says "I still don't get it. Why does he think God phoned him?" "The mind is its own place can make a Heaven of cell, a cell of Heaven."


(The Twitter Mystery continues daily at @Twitstery)

Sunday, March 23, 2014

Athiests Don't Have No Songs! - "The Golden Parachute" Continues!

Here are Week 61 @Twitstery tweets of The Golden Parachute, the amazing new sequel to Executive Severance!

There's a place you go in your mind at times like these. You don't know why the pilot points the gun at you. You don't know what to expect.

Unfortunately, buckled into a four-seater Cessna I can't go there. Regi whispers "Don't remove any clothing." I say "I'm way ahead of you."

"You fool! Fire that pistol and the entire aircraft will decompress. We'll be dead in seconds!" "We've been on the ground for ten minutes."

That didn't work, but I notice Orville's hand shaking. In the air he's a great pilot. On the ground he loses his nerve. It's my only chance.

"Orville you make me nervous. Would you aim that somewhere else?" "Oh. Sure. Sorry." As he lowers the gun I reach out and take it from him.

"Hey! Give that back!" I slap his hand. "Not yet. Who are you working for?" Dot says "Whoever it is, I'm not paying for this flight." "Hey!"

"Who sent you?" "No one." I slap him again. "That's really annoying and it doesn't hurt that much." I hit him one more time. "Stop that!"

"I ask again. Who sent you?" "I'll answer again. No one. I'm on a divine mission. I was sent by the voice of God. " "You heard God?" "Yes."

Uh oh. The guy who's piloting our plane hears from God. Suddenly David doesn't look so bad. "God told you to seize Granger's corpse?" "Yes."

Regi says "God came to you and told you to do this?" "Actually He phoned me." Dot says "I'm definitely not paying for this flight." "Hey!"

"How do you know it was God phoning you?" "Because He said 'Hello Orville? This is God.'" "And you believed him?" "I used my iBelieve app."

"God phones it in? Wouldn't he speak to you directly?" "If I told you that you'd say I hear voices and I'm crazy." "You ARE crazy!" "See?"

Regi says "I don't think that was God on your line. I think you’re the victim of a phone scam." "My God, My God, why have you phishaken me!"

"Don't be such a martyr! You were eager enough to sell us out when you thought it was the Deity calling." "That's my crossed line to bear."

Dot says "We don't know who persuaded you to turn Judas on us or why. Did you notice their Caller ID?" "Hell if I know. It was blocked."

Regi says "How in heaven’s name can you pull out a gun and hijack my father's body based on a phone call from an unnamed source?" “Faith.”

"Faith in an authority you can't see or verify?" "That’s what faith is.” “I think you’re mistaking a phony instigator for a higher power.”

"I wouldn't say that.""Would you say a phone phisher fooled your facile faith to finagle her former father?" "I don't think I CAN say that."

I've won the theological dispute but there’s a matter of criminal justice. Orville committed several misdemeanors and at least one felony.

If I let him off with a stern warning not to use his cell religiously, how do I know he won't succumb once again to faith-based telephonies?

I can’t risk being hung up at Customs. No longer on active duty, I'm traveling with a purloined cadaver under dubious circumstances myself.




(The Twitter Mystery continues daily at @Twitstery)

Sunday, March 16, 2014

Best Laid Plans of Mice and Men! - "The Golden Parachute" Continues!

Here are Week 60 @Twitstery tweets of The Golden Parachute, the amazing new sequel to Executive Severance!

Dot says "Exactly my point. Look, we've landed. Let me handle things from here and we'll take your father out to Body Parts R Us together."


"One question. What did my father do to himself?" "Only Granger understood his self-modifications. His body of work was left unfinished."


"Someone once told me Granger wanted super powers to prepare for when there might be no tools." "What in the world are you talking about?"


"Let's put two and two together." "Four." "I mean let's square the circle." "Pi squared." "I mean let's figure out what C-A-T spells.""Cat."


"Let me spell it out. Your father made power enhancing palindromes from his DNA nucleotide sequencing in order to become more than human."


"Why DNA palindromes? Because he learned of secret plans to modify the very structure of reality and return the universe to a simpler time."


What secret plans? A scheme detailed in the book I rescued from the wreckage of your medical school which was dealing in illicit cadavers."


"Which illicit cadavers? Bodies inadvertently including your father's undying remains, imported to support a burgeoning student enrollment."


"Why was enrollment burgeoning? To cover budget deficits brought about by a laissez-faire management structure and easy Federal loan money."


“Granger's enhanced effort to thwart the paradigm shifting stratagem was severed, as was he, by fast-melting sutures from his last surgery."


“No one knew that DNA composing would affect post-mortem decomposing by rendering him unpalatable to microbes that turn flesh to the dust.”


"Hidden within the DNA changes Granger performed on his own body lies the solution to preventing the reality changes of the ERUPT manual."


"When will changes occur? I'm guessing soon. From beyond the grave Granger implored me to save the reality we’ve all come to know and love.”


"Who is behind this? Also unknown, but they're onto us, they're after us and given half a chance, they'll alter us. Sounds crazy, I know."


Regi says "No crazier than anything else you've said." "That's why it's imperative we get Granger back to Body Parts R Us immediately."


"With Granger dead but not departed, it's up to me to unearth these paradigm perverters and permanently prevent their plan from prospering."


"Here's my plan: Deliver Granger’s body of evidence; decipher his palindrome DNA; disrupt the paradigm reversion; distribute new Shillings."


Orville turns and there's a gun in his hand. "I'm afraid it's not so simple." I tell Regi. "Get behind me." "Behind you? In a four-seater?"


I turn back to the pilot. "Seems pretty simple to me." Orville says "First of all, it's a fool's quest to try to reintroduce the Shilling."


"Second, it's extremely difficult to disrupt a paradigm shift. Third, The Doc doesn't have the knowledge to decipher Granger's altered DNA."


"Fourth, I'm taking his body." "OK. It's not simple. I never had faith in the Shilling thing anyway. Are you ready to use that gun?" "Yes."



(The Twitter Mystery continues daily at @Twitstery)

Sunday, March 9, 2014

I Refute It Thus! ...Ouch! - "The Golden Parachute" Continues!





























Here are Week 59 @Twitstery tweets of The Golden Parachute, the amazing new sequel to Executive Severance!

"A figment affirming a figment. Do you refute I am merely the sum of my tweets?" "Sure. I refute it thus" She jabs me hard in the ribs. OOF!



Where's Bishop Berkeley when you really need him? Regi says "Ow! I broke a nail! I guess I exist too." Orville says "We're cleared to land."



Dot says "I'll handle entry for Granger's body. You two go through Customs and meet my car in front." Regi says "I'm not leaving my father."



"And I'm not going 'til I finish my plans." "What plans?" "First, deliver Willum Granger's earthly remains to Body Parts R Us for analysis."



"I've already got him." "OK. Job done." Regi says "Just because you're helping us through US Customs doesn't mean I give BP R U possession."



"Regi, we need to determine if this really is your original father and why his body hasn't decomposed. Dot is the only one we can trust."



"Trust a man who put a clone of my Dad on display in his museum?" "You don’t object to the statue of your father, why care about the clone?"



Dot put a Granger clone and a life-size statue in the BP R U Museum. At the base of the statue it read "Often duplicated, never imitated."



I‘ll try describing the look Regi gives me in 140 characters or less. A blend of wilting glower, stoic surrender and discerning disdain.



Dot says "I'll answer that. Built from Granger's unmodified DNA, you could argue the clone is the original and Granger is the counterfeit."



"Your father rewrote his gene sequences into palindromes. At the same time he tweaked things like mitochondrial uptake and immune response."



Regi says "What?" "At the time of his death Willum Granger was no longer himself. I'm the best person to figure out who, or what he became."



Regi says "What?" I say "I'll answer that. What Dot means is that your father changed his genes more often than Congress repeals Obamacare."



"I don't mean 'what?' I don't understand what Dot said. I mean 'what?' I don't believe you're actually saying what you're saying." "What?"



Dot says "Do you realize what your father became?" "He became dead, horribly dead. I won’t let you taint his legacy with medical meddling."



"There's so much to learn." "As Director of Body Parts R Us you were his surgeon. Why don't you know how his DNA changes affected him?"



"Granger kept his cards close to his chest, wore his heart on his sleeve, worked his fingers to the bone." "And ended up with bony fingers?"



"He made DNA palindromes. He called his work genetic esthetics." "He modified his DNA for that?" "Anyway, Dash did most of the surgeries."



"What were you, his pet monkey?" I‘ll try describing the look Dot gives me in 140 characters or less. Before I begin Regi says "Screw it."



"Go ahead and take the body. I'll be watching you. Try not to lose him again." I say "Don't forget he's evidence in a major criminal case."




(The Twitter Mystery continues daily at @Twitstery)