Sunday, May 17, 2015

Dark Matters — Live-Tweeted Mystery "The Golden Parachute" Continues

Here are Week 121 @Twitstery tweets of The Golden Parachute, the amazing new sequel to Executive Severance!

"We go solve Farley Granger's murder." Beside me Regi says "Here's your place." We stop and she turns off the engine. "I have one question."

"You want to know how he was killed." "No. Not that." "You wonder how we trick the real killer into revealing himself." "Not that either."

"You wonder how I'll solve this case while I'm not a cop?" "Not really." I'm stumped. I have one final place to go. "What is your question?"

Regi says "How in heaven's name are you able to tweet all the time without walking into walls or bumping into things?" "Multitasking."

"No seriously. How do you do it? Arkaby?" "One minute." I finish the previous tweet before I respond. "I've learned to divide my attention."

"You can have it. Tweeting is not my cup of tea." "It's an acquired taste." I'm home at last! As we enter the house I sense something wrong.

We pause at the dark entrance. I haven't been home for a while. Did I leave the gas on? Regi asks "Why don't you just turn on the light?"

There's definitely someone in the house! Pushing Regi to the side, I tap my phone to activate my gun app, crouch down low and take aim.

Regi says "What the hell?" as a cell phone in the darkness chimes and deep voice cries "What the hell?" I switch on my phone flashlight.

Shadowed but big as life, Willum Granger's doppelgänger stands in my darkened living room and holds up his phone to show the message "BANG!"

The doppelgänger says "You SHOT at me? What the hell are you doing?" I say "Are you for real? You're trespassing!" Regi says "Uncle…Stuart?"

Stuart? Stuart Granger? What was Willum Granger's missing identical triplet doing in my living room? Regi says "You're supposed to be dead."

He gazes at Regi. Does his mien soften? "The report of my death was an exaggeration." "Exaggeration? You were decapitated!" "I got over it."

Funny how things work out in self-exoneration crime solving. Finding Stuart Granger was #1 on my "hard to do" list. Looks like we found him.

Regi says "But they found your head!" "I knew if they found my head they would stop looking for the rest of me." "That doesn't make sense!"

I say "We need answers right now." Stuart says "OK." "I mean it. No more games. No more misdirection." "Fine." "I'm not kidding." "Alright."

Regi says "You are my father's triplicate brother?" "Yes." "You let yourself be thought dead, decapitated?" "Yes." "You son of a bitch!"

"Regi, I" "Don't 'Regi I' me! What's the idea of being kept a secret my entire life? Why are you hiding?" I say "Regi, let me handle this."

I stand toe to toe with the evil triplet. "OK doppelgänger. Time to spill your guts." Regi says "Arkaby!" "Oh right. Your brother did that."

I grab the doppelgänger's lapels and lift him up. He IS real! He says "You'd be a lot more intimidating without the Juicy pink sweatpants."

"I've been to hell and back because of you! I've wrestled a tumescent cadaver away from lactose intolerant medical school administrators!"

(The Twitter Mystery continues daily at @Twitstery)

Sunday, May 10, 2015

If I Am Ever On Life Support...— Live-Tweeted Mystery "The Golden Parachute" Continues

Here are Week 120 @Twitstery tweets of The Golden Parachute, the amazing new sequel to Executive Severance!

"How are you calling me twice?" The phone says "Yes. Explain that!" I heard Regi arguing. "Regi?" Another woman's voice said "Who is this?"

It was Rachel Lechar, Regi's mother. The phone said "Listening…" "Huh?" "Hmm… I'm not familiar with this song." I heard Rachel press keys.

"Now who is this?" "It's Detective Arkaby." Off the phone Rachel said "It's Arkaby for you." I said "Hello phone?" Regi said "It's me."

"Why isn't the phone talking anymore?" "I don't know. Mom, what did you do?" What indeed. I wasn't happy with anyone fooling with my phone.

I heard muffled voices on Regi's end. "Arkaby, how can we be sure the phone agent is offline?" Why did that matter? "We can't. Come get me."

"But if it's eavesdropping?" Eavesdropping? I didn't believe that could happen. Phones don't drop from eaves. "I don't care. Come get me."

"How are you calling a second time?" "A borrowed quarter. Does it matter? I spent the night in jail. I've been before a judge. Come get me."

A voice said "Deposit 25 cents to continue." "Ah!" Had my two-bits run out that fast? Before I was cut off I had to get one message to Regi.

Regi said "Is that the cellphone assistant?" I had seconds to speak. "That was the pay phone operator. Quick! Come get me. Bring pants!"

"What happened to your pants?" "It's a long story. Bring something." "I'm on my way." The phone line goes dead. My two bits are used up.

I returned to my cell where someone had left a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and a juice box for me. I was so hungry I ate them anyway.

I was looking around for another sandwich when Regi walked into the cell looking like a million bucks. She carried something under her arm.

"Hey Regi! You're a sight for sore eyes." She gave me hug and said "You're a mess. What happened?" "I've been in jail." I began to shiver.

Regi said "You're freezing. Put these on." I noticed writing printed on the seat of the pants. "You brought me sweatpants that say 'Juicy'?"

"That's OK. They've never been worn." "That's not what I'm worried about." With misgivings I pulled them on. Regi said "Juicy!" "Not funny."

On our way out of lockup I retrieved my wallet, keys and other pocket stuff. As we descended the Courthouse steps Rixey stepped in our path.

He shoved papers into my hands. I said "What's this?" "Your termination papers. See you in court, Juicy." Regi said "You can't do this!"

I touched Regi's arm. "I'll handle this." We stood face to face. "Rixey, you can't terminate me while my case is pending." "I can and do."

"You're already under suspension. You're out no matter what happens with your case." Rixey knew my union wouldn't permit this. "We'll see."

I noticed Regi furiously tapping on my phone. "Regi, are you still tweeting?" "Yes." "I want a record. Tweet this." "I am." I was reassured.

Rixey said "Birdbrains of a feather tweet together" and walked away flapping his arms. Regi asked "Where to now Arkaby?" Where to indeed!

(The Twitter Mystery continues daily at @Twitstery)

Sunday, May 3, 2015

Leading a Phony Existence — Live-Tweeted Mystery "The Golden Parachute" Continues

Here are Week 119 @Twitstery tweets of The Golden Parachute, the amazing new sequel to Executive Severance!

Again the silence was oceanic. Finally from the back of the room a deep voice said "I got a quarter." It was Big Guy from the holding cell.

He walked to the front. "Anything to get this guy outa here so we get our turn." He handed me a quarter and returned to his seat. "Thanks!"

The judge said "Take this man to a phone, please!" Rixey attempted to object but the judge held up her hand and said "Don't even try it!"

They took me to a small holding cell and left the door open. I dropped my quarter in a pay phone across the hall and dialed Regi. No answer.

The phone kept ringing. I stood in my underwear in the lockup hallway considering my options. I had given Regi my phone. Where could she be?

Finally someone answered. "Hello?" "Regi?" "Arkaby! Hi! How are you? How are you calling me?" "On a phone. What took so long to pick up?"

Next to me in the car, Regi says "I was busy and your cell phone was acting weird." "Weird? How?" "It was talking to me." "What did it say?”

"It told me I was tweeting in my sleep." "I thought you were coming to get me. You fell asleep?" "I didn't mean to. We've had a rough week."

"So you slept and tweeted and then what happened?" "I ate an omelet." "In your sleep?" "No I woke up." "Woke up still not coming to get me?"

"That's when you called. Remember?" "I remember you promised to come get me." "You were held overnight. You lost your pants. Get over it."

"It's something hard to forget." "What else do you remember?" I thought back to the cold hallway. I could see the desk sergeant at his post.

I had to talk fast before my time ran out. Regi said "My phone's acting weird." I said "How so?" "It's been talking to me." Talking to her?

Isn't that what a phone does? Oh. TO her. "That's the OS assistant." "No. Weirder than that. It's actually talking." "Yes. It does that."

Regi's phone said "I'm also a good listener." We both said "Huh?" I didn't think a phone OS listened to what was said during a phone call!

Had my phone developed a mind of its own? How? I said "Who just said that?" Regi replied "Your cell phone. Like I said, something's weird."

I thought about my phone getting weird with us. When was the last time, outside of prison, when I was without my phone? I couldn't remember.

I ate with my phone, slept with my phone, took it with me into the bathroom, and not just when I showered. I never was not with my phone.

I led a phony existence. Regi said "Is either of you still there?" The phone and I both said "Still here. Just thinking. What? Who is that?"

My cellphone echoed everything I said! Was it mocking me? To find out, I needed to signal Regi without the phone catching on. I had an idea.

I whispered "Was that my cellphone speaking?" Regi cried "That's what I was trying to tell you!" That didn't work. I tried another approach.

"Is it related to the malfunctioning IVR epidemic?" There was a pause and then Regi said "Arkaby, I thought you only get one call in jail."

(The Twitter Mystery continues daily at @Twitstery)

Sunday, April 26, 2015

What If I Told You Bitcoins Aren't Real — Live-Tweeted Mystery "The Golden Parachute" Continues

Here are Week 118 @Twitstery tweets of The Golden Parachute, the amazing new sequel to Executive Severance!

"What didn't she believe?" "Anything." I thought back to when I stood in my underwear before the bar while the judge reviewed the charges.

The judge had asked if Granger had a twin brother AND a doppelgänger. The truth hit me like a swift gut punch! I stood naked before the law!

All morning in court I watched defendant after defendant plead guilty or bargain a plea to a lesser charge. No way I was going that route.

I pointed to Rixey and said "Your Honor, this travesty is the result of the animosity of that man! He needed a suspect and I fit the bill."

The judge glanced at Rixey who stared without expression. Turning back she said "YOU are accused of killing Willum Granger." “No, I’m not.”

"Excuse me?" "Not Willum, his twin brother, Farley." She looks back at the file "Right. Farley. Are you pleading guilty?" "No, I'm not."

"Your Honor, I don't know which Granger came into my office that day. I do know I didn't kill him, or his brother or his doppelgänger."

The judge then asked the bailiff. "Where is this man's counsel?" He replied "Defendant waived counsel." "Is this true?" "Yes, your Honor."

"Do you know who said 'A man who is his own lawyer has a fool for his client'?" "Lincoln. It doesn't mean a man with a lawyer isn't a fool."

She stared, then turned to Rixey "Do you have anything to say?" Rising, he replied "Your Honor, this man is a danger to himself and others."

"I get your point. However, I see no cause to hold him." She pounded the gavel. "Detective Arkaby, I release you on your own recognizance."

They prepped for their next case. I said "Your Honor, I don't want to be released." The judge looked up from her documents. "Excuse me?"

"I can't go out like this. I've lost my clothes." "You have no clothes?" "Do you think I would appear in court like this if I did?" "Maybe."

"I can get someone to spring me if you let me make a call." "Make your call. You don't need court approval." "Can you lend me a quarter?"

The judge said "Bailiff?" "Your Honor?" "Will you please give this man a quarter?" "Sorry, no change." "Can ANYONE give this man a quarter?"

The silence in the courtroom was vast. The judge repeated "Anyone?" Then Rixey said "Oh hell!" dug into his pocket and tossed me two bits.

I caught his toss. It wasn't money, it was a flash drive. I said "I need two bits. What's this?" Rixey replied "Not just two bits. Bitcoin."

The flash drive was unlabeled. "How many bits is this?" Rixey smiled "Enough to make your call." "On a public pay phone?" "Just plug it in."

How many bits did a Bitcoin hit if a Bitcoin did hit bits? 2 bits? 4 bits? 6 bits? A dollar? Rixey made me want to stand up and holler!

The bailiff said "That drive won't work on our pay phones." Rixey continued smiling. I said "Thanks for nothing." "Happy to do my bit."

"As always. Just a little bit. "I tossed the Bitcoin drive which Rixey caught and pocketed. The judge said "Does anybody ELSE have change?"

(The Twitter Mystery continues daily at @Twitstery)

Sunday, April 19, 2015

Sir Arthur Conan Doyle Turns In His Grave — Live-Tweeted Mystery "The Golden Parachute" Continues

Here are Week 117 @Twitstery tweets of The Golden Parachute, the amazing new sequel to Executive Severance!

The judge said "It wasn't Farley Granger's doppelgänger?" "No it was his twin brother Willum's." "He had a twin brother AND a doppelgänger?"

Now I was confused. Was that it? Did Willum Granger have a twin brother AND a doppelgänger? Sitting beside me in the car, Regi says "YES!"

I look up from my phone "Yes what?" "YES! There is a doppelgänger!" "That's what I was trying to tell the judge!" "I know who it is!" "Huh?"

Regi continues "It wasn't a ghost, clone or the walking dead. It MUST have been Stuart Granger! He's alive! ALIVE!" "I already know that."

"You already know that? How?" "It's elementary. Once you eliminate the improbable whatever remains, no matter how impossible, is the truth."

"You've got that wrong." "I made it up myself." "I don't think so. 'Though he might have been more humble, there's no police like Holmes.'"

"Then let's examine the facts. Fact 1: Someone who looks just like your father came to my office." Regi says "Maybe it was a disguise."

"If so it was a good one. He was a dead ringer. Fact 2: Farley was murdered while hiding from the imminent appearance of the Singularity."

Regi says "Maybe it was an accident." "If so it was a good one. Fact 3: Your uncle Stuart is considered dead, but his body was never found."

"Maybe it was a premature ejaculation." "If so it was a good one." “So they wrote him off too soon?” “It’s the only impossible explanation.”

"Of all the craziness we've experienced, that's what you find impossible?" "Improbably, yes." "What does it mean if Stuart is still alive?"

"Heads will roll. Two things. One: Stuart Granger is the doppelgänger not Farley. Two: He’s behind all of this and you're part of it." "Me?"

"The first thing the doppelgänger wanted me to do was rescue you from that medical school. He never told me why, but it must be important."

Watching the road Regi says "If your visitor was Uncle Stuart incognito it would explain why he wanted me shielded from the paradigm shift."

"OK. Why make it a mystery? Why play games?" "What games did he play with you?" "Knock knock." "Who's there?" "No. He played knock knock."

"You played knock knock with someone you thought long dead?" "Yes. It gave a new twist to the question 'Who's there?' "Or, who isn't there."

"What did he answer?" “‘Not who you think I am.'" "So Stuart thought that you thought that he was my father's spirit, back from the grave?"

"He answered in riddles. I don't know what he thought." "But what does it mean if Stuart is still alive?" "It means we have to find him."

Regi frowns "I don't think it means that. He'll find us when he's ready." "If he's alive." "Not if. When." "When what?" "When he's ready!"

"Yes. If he's alive." We drive on in silence. Finally Regi asks "Did you finish your prison story?" "It's not a story. It really happened."

"I entered jail clothed and left in my underwear." "I know. What did the judge say when you pleaded your case?" "She didn't believe me."

(The Twitter Mystery continues daily at @Twitstery)

Sunday, April 12, 2015

Diving Out — Tweeted Mystery "The Golden Parachute" Continues

Here are Week 116 @Twitstery tweets of The Golden Parachute, the amazing new sequel to Executive Severance!

A pool of darkness opened at my feet and was far deeper than the blackest night. I dove in. It had no bottom This was my chance to escape.

I was either dead or my watch stopped. Was death my ultimate exit? It was not what I expected. First of all I was still really cold. Uh oh.

Once again I experienced the ineffable. No more mysteries, collecting clues, collaring culprits, confronting cons. I was perfectly at peace.

That feeling of postmortem serenity happened to me before. Regi says "Yes. In Puerto Rico. You fainted when you thought you'd been shot."

"I didn't faint. I experienced the ineffable." "Uh huh." "Regi, are you reading my Twitter feed?" "I just glance over from time to time."

"Well, keep your eyes on the road. We're almost at my apartment." Where was I? Oh, yeah. I wasn't. The blackness had devoured me. I was out.

"All the same, I was still in. From deep in the black pool I heard a voice. "Arkaby wake up!" "Lemme sleep Ma. I'll look for a job tomorrow."

"I opened my eyes. I was in a small cell in just my underwear. "I'm not dead?" "No, but you look like it." He placed a compress on my head.

"You may have a concussion. Do you want to go to the infirmary?" "Yes." "Let me warn you going to the medic prolongs your stay." "Then no."

"I realized I was no longer in the group holding cell. "How did I get here? Where is everybody else?" They've all gone before the judge."

"Where are my pants?" "We found you like this." "OK. Give me something to wear." "This is a holding facility. We don't have prison garb."

"I can't go before the judge like this! Get me something!" "Now?" "Yes!" "Let me warn you finding you pants prolongs your stay." "Then no."

"I walked into court and took a seat. One by one detainees stood before the judge and were either released on bail or remanded into custody.

"My turn. Clad only in underwear, I stood before the judge as she read my file. Then she said "You are former Detective Arkaby?" "Yes I am."

"Where are your clothes?" "I don't know. They vanished mysteriously last night." "Are you in here for drunk and disorderly?" "No I am not."

"It says here you vaporized a man in his own safe room. Is that correct?" "No, Your Honor." "It doesn't say that?" "I mean I didn't do it."

"The judge looked back over my file. "Your Honor I can clear up this confusion. Farley Granger believed himself a target of the Singularity."

"The what?" "The Singularity. When computer intelligence exceeds human, changing civilization." "Why would this Singularity target him?"

"Because he thought he knew how to stop it." "Stop it from doing what?" "Changing our paradigm." "Our what?" "Our understanding of reality."

"The judge stared over her reading glasses. "What have you got to do with this?" "Granger's doppelgänger hired me to stop this Singularity."

"Doppel what?" "Doppelgänger. I thought it was his ghost or his clone or he was the walking dead." The judge continued staring. "It wasn't."

(The Twitter Mystery continues daily at @Twitstery)

Monday, April 6, 2015

Neither Light Nor Heat — Tweeted Mystery "The Golden Parachute" Continues

Here are Week 115 @Twitstery tweets of The Golden Parachute, the amazing new sequel to Executive Severance!

"During his last cloning procedure you were lead surgeon. Didn't you use fast-dissolving sutures around his middle to close him up?" "No."

"Then didn't you change his cell ringtone to 'Call to Post' so when it rang his bottom half ran off leaving his top behind?" "Ridiculous!"

"You TOLD me you did that before you shoved Regi and me into that freezer." "That's not how I remember it." I suddenly realized the truth.

I was freezing! Don't they heat these cells at night? Draping my torn shirt over my shoulders I said "A, are you playing me?" "Playing you?"

"Are you robotically denying everything I say?" "No." "You just denied what I said again." "No, I didn't." It was going to be a long night.

A settled beside me, closing his eyes. Never in my wildest dreams could I have imagined I'd be spending jail time with my former nemesis.

One justly convicted of murdering of Willum Granger. The other falsely accused of killing his brother, Farley. We would make quite a selfie.

A had misused his Police Coroner status to cover up his heinous crime. He had broken his Hippocratic Oath by bringing harm to his patient.

I knew where, how and when he did it. I still didn't know why. What was A's real beef with Willum Granger? This was my chance to find out.

Quietly, so I didn’t disturb my fellow inmates I whispered "Hey A! Tell me again why you were driven to murder Willum Granger." No response.

I tried again "A! This is a chance to justify yourself!" A began snoring. "A!" "Zzzz." A joined the chorus of snoring and muffled breathing.

What had A said before tossing us in the freezer? "It was necessary." As Coroner A had controlled the evidence, subverting my investigation.

It made perfect sense! No wonder A bested me. He must have seen my Twitter posts as manna from heaven. Maybe I should switch to Snapchat.

As he forced Regi and me into the Morgue freezer, A denied he had done it for love or money. Out of options, I had asked my final question:

"A, why did you kill Granger?" "Granger took his augmentation too far." Then A made a reference to a man becoming a god which I didn't get.

Granger cloned and replaced every part of his body to become superman. His doppelgänger implied it was to combat a pending paradigm shift.

I was on the cusp of an epiphany! A executed Granger to prevent his eminent ascension. Farley was killed warning of an immanent Singularity.

Am I walking into eternity along Sandymount strand? Crush crack crick crick. Open your eyes now. I will. One moment. Has all vanished since?

Eureka! Suddenly a lightbulb went BINK above my head. The cell doors swung open as a guard wheeled in a breakfast cart. I had fallen asleep.

"Breakfast!" the guard called. As my fellow inmates gathered for their individual cereal boxes, milk cartons and apples I tried to stand.

While I slept someone pulled my pants down to my ankles. Why would they do that? I toppled and struck my head on the bench in front of me.

(The Twitter Mystery continues daily at @Twitstery)