Sunday, March 3, 2013

Think of Twitter As a Type of Literature Sequestration

Here are Week 7 @Twitstery tweets of "The Golden Parachute" the amazing new sequel to Executive Severance

"Wait. Before you vanish again, what do I call you?" "Don't call me, I'll call you." With that he walks out and disappears down the hallway.

Whoever said you can’t step in the same river twice never considered how mistakes you make on a case can come back years later to haunt you.

While I haven't actually stepped into a river, I have visions of stepping into something by taking up with Regi Granger and family again.

I make a couple of quick phone calls to confirm that Willum Granger has not risen from his grave or been recreated in a cloning laboratory.

The cemetery director is uncooperative until I remind him of all the contributions my police unit has made to his business over the years.

"You're claiming I've lost track of one of my residents?" he asks. "I'm trying to find out if you keep the bodies buried out there" I reply.

"Founders Memorial Park CE is a secure, state of the art cemetery. People are dying to get in. Of course we keep the bodies we bury here."

"They don't just walk out." "To your knowledge. Maybe now and then the dead walk." "What are you suggesting?" "You're missing some body."

"Says you. Founders Memorial has plenty of openings. Why don't you drop dead and drop in one of them? We'll see if you walk out again."

I'm astonished at such highhandedness from an undertaker. Is he involved in a cover-up? Who knows what secrets he has buried out there!

"Founders Memorial Park CE. What's the CE stand for?" "Don't let me keep you" he replies. "From all appearances you couldn't if you tried."

"Now THAT'S a proposition I'm eager to test." He hangs up. His actual response involves part of my anatomy, but I clean it up for Twitter.

I realize too late the proper question is: What secrets DOESN'T he have buried out there? Is he supporting some sort of underground economy?

My next call is also productive. On the chance my ephemeral visitor was a DNA clone built from spare appendages I dial Body Parts R Us.

An Interactive Voice Response system answers. "Welcome to Body Parts R Us. Press 1 if you know the organ or member you want to replace."

"Press 2 if it is your 2nd attempt to call Body Parts R Us without reaching a living human being. Press 3 if it is your 3rd." I press 0.

"Press 4 if it is your 4th attempt. Press 5 if it is your 5th." I press 0. "Press 6 if it is your 6th attempt. Press 7 if it is your 7th."

"Press 8 if it is your 8th or 9 if it is your or 9th. If it is your 10th attempt to reach us and your phone keypad is in Base 11, press A."

"Press 0 to return to the main menu." I press 0. "Invalid key." "Are you pulling my leg?" "Press 1 if you want us to pull your leg." "Huh?"

I press 0. "OK. I'll pull your leg. To continue in Spanish press 1." I punch the 0 repeatedly. "¡Bienvenido a Partes Del Cuerpo R Nosotros!"

"Pulse 1 si se conoce el órgano o miembro que desee reemplazar." I press 0 once again. "I don't recognize your selection. Goodbye." "Wait!"

(The Twitter Mystery continues daily at @Twitstery)

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