There's a place you go in your mind at times like these. You don't know why the pilot points the gun at you. You don't know what to expect.
Unfortunately, buckled into a four-seater Cessna I can't go there. Regi whispers "Don't remove any clothing." I say "I'm way ahead of you."
"You fool! Fire that pistol and the entire aircraft will decompress. We'll be dead in seconds!" "We've been on the ground for ten minutes."
That didn't work, but I notice Orville's hand shaking. In the air he's a great pilot. On the ground he loses his nerve. It's my only chance.
"Orville you make me nervous. Would you aim that somewhere else?" "Oh. Sure. Sorry." As he lowers the gun I reach out and take it from him.
"Hey! Give that back!" I slap his hand. "Not yet. Who are you working for?" Dot says "Whoever it is, I'm not paying for this flight." "Hey!"
"Who sent you?" "No one." I slap him again. "That's really annoying and it doesn't hurt that much." I hit him one more time. "Stop that!"
"I ask again. Who sent you?" "I'll answer again. No one. I'm on a divine mission. I was sent by the voice of God. " "You heard God?" "Yes."
Uh oh. The guy who's piloting our plane hears from God. Suddenly David doesn't look so bad. "God told you to seize Granger's corpse?" "Yes."
Regi says "God came to you and told you to do this?" "Actually He phoned me." Dot says "I'm definitely not paying for this flight." "Hey!"
"How do you know it was God phoning you?" "Because He said 'Hello Orville? This is God.'" "And you believed him?" "I used my iBelieve app."
"God phones it in? Wouldn't he speak to you directly?" "If I told you that you'd say I hear voices and I'm crazy." "You ARE crazy!" "See?"
Regi says "I don't think that was God on your line. I think you’re the victim of a phone scam." "My God, My God, why have you phishaken me!"
"Don't be such a martyr! You were eager enough to sell us out when you thought it was the Deity calling." "That's my crossed line to bear."
Dot says "We don't know who persuaded you to turn Judas on us or why. Did you notice their Caller ID?" "Hell if I know. It was blocked."
Regi says "How in heaven’s name can you pull out a gun and hijack my father's body based on a phone call from an unnamed source?" “Faith.”
"Faith in an authority you can't see or verify?" "That’s what faith is.” “I think you’re mistaking a phony instigator for a higher power.”
"I wouldn't say that.""Would you say a phone phisher fooled your facile faith to finagle her former father?" "I don't think I CAN say that."
I've won the theological dispute but there’s a matter of criminal justice. Orville committed several misdemeanors and at least one felony.
If I let him off with a stern warning not to use his cell religiously, how do I know he won't succumb once again to faith-based telephonies?
I can’t risk being hung up at Customs. No longer on active duty, I'm traveling with a purloined cadaver under dubious circumstances myself.
(The Twitter Mystery continues daily at @Twitstery)