Sunday, January 10, 2016

The Singularity Gives Us Idiot Savant Supercomputers — Live-Tweeted Mystery "The Golden Parachute" Continues

Here are Week 155 @Twitstery tweets of The Golden Parachute, the amazing new sequel to Executive Severance!

We turn toward the monitor. Creepy eyes stare back at us. "Press 1 to reconnect all accelerators. Press 2 to see if we find God this time."

"Connect all the accelerators? NO! STOP! Last time you did you vaporized Farley Granger and created a paradigm time shift! Don't do it!"

"You pressed 2. I'll reconnect accelerators. Prepare to meet your Maker." I press 0 repeatedly. "I didn't get that. Press 1 for Spanish."

Regi says "I think Dad went to Farley's Safe Room!" "Then your Father is toast...or maybe jam." "Arkaby!" "Sorry. Bad choice of metaphors."

Rixey says "Your AI doesn't act like any AI I've ever heard about." "So you concede the IVR is intelligent?" "Maybe, but not very smart."

"Intelligence isn't wisdom. No one ever warned us that the advent of the Singularity would fill the world with idiot savant supercomputers."

"Prior to the Singularity, humans controlled the market on stupidity. Now it's been automated." Regi says "My Dad isn't answering his cell."

I say "Dot, is there any way to shut down this data center?" Dot replies "That won't matter. The IVR has transferred itself to the cloud."

No wonder pulling hard drives had no effect. There has to be some way to stop this answering machine from ending the world as we know it.

Regi says "What’ll we do?" Rixey snorts derisively. As I look for something to practice a little incompetence on his head I brush my pocket.

The ERUPT manual! Finally I might find a use for the paradigm shift guide I've been carting around all this time. It might have a solution!

I pull the battered book from my pocket and open a random page. Regi says "What are you doing?" "I'm searching for a solution." "In that?"

"Sure!" "The only thing that book is good for is to beat people over the head." "It MUST have some advice on defeating the Singularity."

"After all, it is the 'Existential Reality Update Prototype Template’! "OK. What does it say?" I peer at the page "'What hath God wrought?'"

"What indeed, but what does the ERUPT Manual say?" "That's what it says: 'What hath God wrought?'" "That's it?" "Not much help." "Never is."

Rixey says "You're worthless. I'll handle this." He turns to the server cabinet. "Artificial Intelligence, I am Lieutenant Detective Rixey."

The IVR replies "Welcome to Body Parts R Us. Press 1 if you know the organ or member you want to replace. Press 2 to continue in Spanish."

"Cut the crap. You know who I am!" "I know who you are." "I don’t believe that you are intelligent." "Press 1 if the feeling is mutual."

"Cease your activity! Return this facility!" Dash says “Hey! Rhyming's my gig!” Dot says “SHUT UP YOU PIG!” “HEY!” "OK. I’ll yield control."

Rixey smiles "That's how it's done." "Press 1 to appoint Willum Granger." "HE'S DEAD!" I say "The report of his death was an exaggeration."

The Twitter Mystery continues daily at @Twitstery

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