Sunday, November 16, 2014
Why Would You Use Poison If You Can Kill With Honey? — Tweeted Mystery "The Golden Parachute" Continues
Here are Week 95 @Twitstery tweets of The Golden Parachute, the amazing new sequel to Executive Severance!
"This is crap. I can't believe this is happening. What? Oh. Arkaby says I should type my name so you know it's not him sending this message.
"They put him in cuffs and marched him off. Just like that. Before the goons grabbed him he handed me his phone and told me "Keep tweeting."
"Keep tweeting? What the hell does that mean? Why does Arkaby want me to text tweets on his cell phone until I can bail him out? Tweet tweet!
"My name is Regi Granger. Farley Granger who is the murder victim is my father Willum Granger's twin brother. He was also murdered. Arkaby…
"No! I'm Regi, daughter of Willum Granger, who was murdered and is Farley's twin who was murdered as well...This is harder than it looks!
"I wasn't murdered, that was my father and uncle. Detective Arkaby was involved in both and so his boss who is head detective arrested him.
"Arkaby solved my father's murder by figuring out it was the Police Coroner who once was my father's surgeon when he threw us in the freezer.
"The Police Coroner was my dad's surgeon at his cloning lab, Body Parts R Us. Dad had this thing about rewriting his DNA into palindromes.
"I need a break! I have to keep this up until Arkaby gets out of jail? This is harder than it looks!
"I've looked through Arkaby's phone apps. Level 347? When does he find time to play Candy Crush? He takes a lot selfies, always in shadow.
"What's the deal with that? Now I have to go downtown and bail him out. I don't know the deal, but I know that Arkaby didn't kill my uncle!
"When Arkaby showed up at my Caribbean medical school because my father's ghost sent him to rescue me, or so he said, I was happy to see him.
"Then we found my father in the pathology lab when he should have been back home resting peacefully in the grave we bought and paid for.
"Someone put Dad back together. Hmm. Arkaby's phone has a gun app. That will be a big help! I wonder if he has a "Get Out of Jail Free" app?
"The funny thing is my Dad's body hadn't decayed. McDonald's hamburgers don't decay but that has nothing to do with my Dad. Umm. Tweet tweet!
"Rixey's men are going over the crime scene under Dr. Dot's supervision. They still have their hazmat boots and gloves. I need a new outfit.
"I'll stop at home on my way to bail out Arkaby. I can change, grab a bite to eat and my checkbook. One problem: All my stuff is at my Mom's.
"I haven't spoken to Mom since she pulled me out of the Police Headquarters freezer. Before I could even say goodbye she whisked me away.
"Mom was Dad's second wife. His first, a classics language instructor, was one for the books. He lost his Latin lover and gained my mother.
"When Dad began to clone himself Mom said "Enough of you already!" and divorced him, then remarried him just so she could divorce him again.
"I don't blame Mom. Dad was the ultimate narcissist, cloning himself to the point where she didn't know whether he was coming or going.
"I can't complain. Not only was he always there for me when I was little, he was also there and there. He was the original multitasker.
"How does Arkaby do this tweeting in real time? I can't walk and text; I keep bumping into things. Come to think of it, that explains a lot.
"So "A" who was one of 26 single syllable siblings was Dad's cloning surgeon at Body Parts R Us and then became Head Coroner with the police.
"He stitched Dad up with quick dissolving sutures during his last transplant and then switched his cell phone's ring tone to "Call to Post."
"When Dad's phone played that tune his bottom half split from his top and took off. Oh, I forgot to mention that Dad used to be a race horse.
"Well, not exactly a race horse, but he ran in and won horse races. I never actually saw him run, but my money would be on him in any race!
"After the second divorce my mother took up beekeeping, constructing an enormous Beeviary to hold her hives. Everything was clover and honey.
"That is til all her bees mysteriously disappeared. And there was a problem with that toxic New Zealand honey. My Mom couldn't give it away.
"She'd tried to replace her lost bees with a hardier New Zealand breed. It turned out the honey they produced was harmful to human life.
"Attaching a warning label saying "USE OF THIS NATURAL ORGANIC PRODUCT MAY CAUSE VOMITING, DELIRIUM AND VIOLENT CONVULSIONS" didn't help.
(The Twitter Mystery continues daily at @Twitstery)